Painful Truths About 5-Aside Football

The 5-aside game has undergone an enormous upsurge in popularity over the last decade or so. But is it all it’s cracked up to be? Here are several painful truths about the game that anyone that plays will know all too well.

Walled Pitches Scare You

So, you’ve booked a game at a new venue that you have never played at before. You turn up, get changed and realise – with significant horror – that the pitch is walled. Not only that, but there is a 30-foot net curtain that you have no hope of hoofing the ball over when you need to take a breather. This next hour is going to be the most intensive exercise you have had in the past decade. You consider putting 999 on speed dial on your phone, in case of cardiac issues. After putting up a brave fight in the first thirty seconds or so, you are quickly exhausted and are thrashed 10-0.

There Will Be Violence

At least once in every 5-aside season, you will have to play a team full of maniacs, whom you believe are from the local sink estate. They are all called Barry, Gary, or Darren, although they refer to themselves as Ba, Ga, and Da. They are lunatics, and you see out the game on the periphery to avoid any broken limbs. Despite being useless, they beat you 10-0. Later on, you discover that they are not from the sink estate at all, but a mixed group of financial traders, accountants, and police officers. You wonder about your place in the world.

The Ringer Issue

You turn up feeling confident because you are playing the worst team in the league. They ship an average of 34 goals every game, and you have tonight earmarked for a potential hat trick for the first time in your ‘career’. But then you realise that only two of the other team have turned up. Naturally, they ask around for ringers from the teams that played before you. And, even more naturally, the guys that want to play are ex-pros who reached League One level. You lose 10-0.

Your Enormous Disappointments

It’s the last game of the season. You have picked up some trophies and medals at Premier Trophies because you think it will be good for morale. You certainly won’t be getting any from the league organisers. Your fellow players cast some votes for Player of the Season, Goal of the Season, and eight other awards. There are only five of you, so you fancy your chances. But you fail to win one. Not even Sportsman of the Year. You’ve lost 10-0 again. You think about packing it all in and making some lifestyle changes.

You Have No Skin Left On Your Knees

Those artificial grass pitches are definitely artificial, aren’t they? You are preparing for a new season and inspect your knees, which, consist mainly of vast swathes of scar tissue. You swear that there’s a little patch in the middle with only one layer of skin left before the bone is permanently exposed. You wonder if playing tonight is a good idea after all but do it anyway because you don’t want to let anyone down. Your knee survives the experience – for this evening, at least. But, naturally; you lose 10-0.